Beware, this was just an idea I thought up in tech class. I didn't put much thought into it, just started tapping away at my keyboard. I know, it's a bit cheesy, but I like cheesy. Cheesy is good.
(and I have no clue why it isn't indenting, but I hit space twice)
That Rune Walker, he was an odd duck. He had long black hair, and huge purple eyes. He had a slightly crooked smile, and was real tall. When I first saw him, I thought That has got to be the funniest looking boy I've ever seen.
He wasn't just odd looking, he did really strange things. I remember watching him while we were sitting in class. He always had a big piece of grape gum in his mouth. One day I finally asked him why, and he told me he had a new piece after every 214 chews. He'd just sit there counting bites of the delicious smelling gum that matched his eyes.
He dressed funny too. Not funny like a clown, but funny as in turtlenecks in the summer, and shorts in the winter. I asked him about that too, and he told me he wasn't specifically picking out clothes for the seasons, just clothes that covered up his bruises. He quickly added that they were from sports. I didn't think it was odd at the time.
That Rune Walker, he became my best friend, my only friend. We'd talk non-stop, eat lunch together, and do anything together we could at school. He never mentioned me coming over to his house, and he said his dad would never let him go to a girl's house. So we only saw eachother at school, and it was fine.
We got teased a lot. They'd pick on us about, well anything they could find wrong with us. They even started rumors that we were boyfriend-girlfriend. I'd get all fussy about it, but he wouldn't care how crummy they made him feel, but I understood. Who'd want to go home happy if your dad was just going to whomp on you?
I wouldn't tell anyone about it, about how his daddy would get drunk, or how he always made his own meals. I wouldn't even tell anyone that the bruises weren't sports related. He didn't even play soccer!
He never told me not to tell, but I was selfish. I wanted him to stay with me, so we could talk about anything and everything, eat lunch together, and just do what best friends do. But one day, he came to school really late. He was really pale, and had on a turtleneck and pants. It was 75 degrees out. He kind of waddled to class and slipped into his seat. The teacher yelled at him, but he seemed like he didn't notice.
I asked him what's wrong, and he told me he had a soccer accident. He told me a long time ago that his dad hit him, and he hated sports. He was lying to me, so I knew that drunk daddy of his had knocked him around bad.
I told the principal. He was really upset. He even called the cops and everything. I guess Rune got sent to a foster home, because I never saw him at school again. I tried to find where he lived, and it was empty. I know his daddy is in therapy, but I hope they won't let him take Rune again.
I bet he lives in a big house, just in the county over. He probably plays soccer, and gets to wear whatever kind of clothes he wants. His foster mom and dad make him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I bet he has lots of friends to eat lunch with him. I bet he still chews his gum funny. I bet he isn't mad that I told someone that his daddy hit him. In fact, I know so.
I hear a tap on my door, and I run to it as fast as I can. It's that Rune Walker, and his foster Mom and Dad, Batrice and Pete, coming to pick me up and go to his house, like I never could do before, like I do every Saturday now.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I love your tone. It was consistent throughout the whole story, so you really pulled that off well.
You also develop the plot really well, and I like the cyclic structure, it fits in well with your character's tone.
I thought the end could have been a bit more significant, it was kind of a let-down after the really heavy issues the story deals with.
Overall I really enjoyed it though! Nice work
Hey Emily! Nice story. I really enjoyed it. But first, we must defeat all three of your typos!
So to begin, we will attack number one:
I think you mean Beatrice.
It should be noted that I know ziltch on grammar, but I think this:
Should be:
There's a comma after thought and the T in that is lower case.
And then here:
Each other is two words. Just a typo, so it's no big deal. I do it a lot, too.
All in all, I thought it was great. I was sad when I found out that they didn't see each other at school any more. I assumed that that meant they didn't see each other at all. But then I find out that they get to see each other every week!
It almost got messy when the story got to what she thinks (I'm assuming the person talking is a girl) his life is like when she told. Also, he told her he hated sports, yet she thinks of him playing soccer later? Hmm....
But back to the good! I really did enjoy it. I think it's pretty good for someone who didn't put much thought into it.